Monday, April 27, 2009

An Open Letter to the Internet

I mean, what are blogs for right?

So I quit reading VG Cats a long time ago when the author pretty much told everyone who didn't like his comic to go fuck themselves. It's a gaming comic that is pretty fucking shallow, which is to say it's extremely fucking shallow intellectually overall. The problem with VG Cats, besides it's animu bullshit and shitty fanbase, is that it's totally unoriginal. The most recent one (which spawned this rant) is basically a rehashed series of Penny Arcades that are eight fucking years old. Both comics are about dealing with the age old gamer paradox of "casual" vs. "hardcore" games; the idea that the fact that everyone plays games dilutes the inherent nobility in the pasttime. As me and Parker found out working on Tea Time, in the webcomic world, "Penny Arcade did it" is defiently as aplicable as "The Simpsons" in that South Park episode, so I can't blame VG Cats for stepping on their toes, but it's more than that. It's a good example of what's wrong with it. He uses the Colbert Report's "Tonight's Word" (and a title of a Brian Posehn routine), shamelessly to rant about nothing (which we'll get to), and then aknowledges that he stole shit so you can't call him out on it (granted: that isn't a bad punchline). Furthermore, VG Cats is Scott's (the author's) full time job, but he not only is his update shedule once a week, but he misses updates notoriously enough that it's seriously like once every 3 weeks (for God's sake, there's a major recurring character that was spawned from his habit of missed updates), and after all that time the most you get is filler bullshit. I'm a full time student, and I can put out 2 comics a week. Shit, even Tim Buckley puts out like 3 comics a week, and he is an untalented peice of shit.

As for the comic in question though: Casual games are not destroying our pasttime. Not only can I hold a conversation with dudes I wouldn't have anything else in common with, but developmental costs for next gen games are enourmous, and if you make a game that sells ridiculously well then it can go to other things. That is not un-fucking-precidented, movie studios do it all the time. "When was the last time you played a really good game?", asks VG Cats. Dead Space, you asshole, produced by EA, a company that has a vice grip on the casual game market. They put all the money they made from Madden and Tiger Woods into the best new IP I've played in years (not to mention risked it on Mirror's Edge too) and got it to a mirror shine in one fucking year, and for a game that good, that is fucking impressive. Your last comic was about Fallout 3, which is like one of the best games ever made, and it just came out.

What's wrong with causal games anyway? I grew up on casual games, Spyro is not what I would describe as "hardcore". Neither is Crash or Pong or Frogger. What the fuck is "hardcore" anyway? Difficult? Fuck that shit, that's never why I played games, I'm not a sadist. Causal games can be hard too, like Rock Band on expert (or Spyro, unless your Ruth), so what does it matter?

And you know what? Fuck everyone, quicktime events are awesome.

And yes, I realize that what spawned the comic was some new show about "gamers". Fucking get over it, G4 has been on television since I was in jr. fucking high. There is always going to be shit like that, that doesn't mean the industry is in some kind of downturn.

What gets me more that anything about VG Cats though is the fucking fans. It's nowhere near the size of Penny Arcade, sure, but they are so ravenous and stupid it is like dealing with a brick wall. They refuse to acknowledge that their favorite comic is bland and unoriginal, and worst of all they can't see what a raging asshole Scott is. He misses his own pathetic update structure, and then bitches at the people who complain when he puts up a shitty comic. "This is my canvas" or "I'm giving you free entertainment" are common phrases in the webcomic artist's toolbag, but listen: Fuck you. We are the ones providing you with your fucking income from website hits. We are the reason you can afford to be such a lazy piece of shit. We pay your salary mother fucker, we buy your shirts, now make us some decent fucking comics or shut up.


  1. I have no opinion on this subject, but I do enjoy a good internet rant. Your indignation pleases and amuses me!

    # # #

    Ok, so I just read the comic in question. Again, I'm not a gamer (casual or otherwise), but these are some of the exact same arguments I've heard (or even used myself) applied to film, so I'm deeming myself qualified to make the following two points:

    1) "Why make something great when something good sells better?" is an old plattitude that sounds good at first, but I'm not sure it's ever actually been true of films or video games or anything else--at least, not for any length of time. All that can be said for sure is that great works of art are unpredictable, and are not made by people who set out with the intention of making a great work of art (unless you are Andy Warhol or Quentin Tarantino, in which case, see point 2 below).

    2) Yes, hipsters are irritating.Thank you for indulging me.

  2. "Art is unpredictable", I like that. I guess I feel the same way about movies too. Cash cows can be just as entertaining as incredible works of greatness. I am glad that my ire is what propelled you through the post, I figured since no one who actually reads this would give a shit that at least they'd give a kick of of "fuck" every other sentence.
    Also thanks for that hipster link, that is solidly entertaining.

  3. Incidentally, G4 is what makes me hate television. Really. It's shit. I might give a series of rants on my blog about why I hate television, and G4 will certainly be among the rants.

  4. I don't know that much about these videogame things (all i know is I can kick your ass any day at any game) but I do know that Spyro is fucking hardcore. And people who don't think Frogger is hardcore obviously has not heard of Twin Galaxies. Twin Galaxies made Q*Bert hardcore, for fuck's sake. Can't anything be hardcore if you're into it enough? Like if I played fucking Madden 24 hours a day, would that be hardcore? Or is it more about image? Can you not be a "hardcore" gamer if you don't fit the stereotype? If you don't play the "right" games?


  5. And what about fucking Kirby's Dreamland 3? FUCK!