An Open Letter to the Internet

I mean, what are blogs for right?

So I quit reading VG Cats a long time ago when the author pretty much told everyone who didn't like his comic to go fuck themselves. It's a gaming comic that is pretty fucking shallow, which is to say it's extremely fucking shallow intellectually overall. The problem with VG Cats, besides it's animu bullshit and shitty fanbase, is that it's totally unoriginal. The most recent one (which spawned this rant) is basically a rehashed series of Penny Arcades that are eight fucking years old. Both comics are about dealing with the age old gamer paradox of "casual" vs. "hardcore" games; the idea that the fact that everyone plays games dilutes the inherent nobility in the pasttime. As me and Parker found out working on Tea Time, in the webcomic world, "Penny Arcade did it" is defiently as aplicable as "The Simpsons" in that South Park episode, so I can't blame VG Cats for stepping on their toes, but it's more than that. It's a good example of what's wrong with it. He uses the Colbert Report's "Tonight's Word" (and a title of a Brian Posehn routine), shamelessly to rant about nothing (which we'll get to), and then aknowledges that he stole shit so you can't call him out on it (granted: that isn't a bad punchline). Furthermore, VG Cats is Scott's (the author's) full time job, but he not only is his update shedule once a week, but he misses updates notoriously enough that it's seriously like once every 3 weeks (for God's sake, there's a major recurring character that was spawned from his habit of missed updates), and after all that time the most you get is filler bullshit. I'm a full time student, and I can put out 2 comics a week. Shit, even Tim Buckley puts out like 3 comics a week, and he is an untalented peice of shit.

As for the comic in question though: Casual games are not destroying our pasttime. Not only can I hold a conversation with dudes I wouldn't have anything else in common with, but developmental costs for next gen games are enourmous, and if you make a game that sells ridiculously well then it can go to other things. That is not un-fucking-precidented, movie studios do it all the time. "When was the last time you played a really good game?", asks VG Cats. Dead Space, you asshole, produced by EA, a company that has a vice grip on the casual game market. They put all the money they made from Madden and Tiger Woods into the best new IP I've played in years (not to mention risked it on Mirror's Edge too) and got it to a mirror shine in one fucking year, and for a game that good, that is fucking impressive. Your last comic was about Fallout 3, which is like one of the best games ever made, and it just came out.

What's wrong with causal games anyway? I grew up on casual games, Spyro is not what I would describe as "hardcore". Neither is Crash or Pong or Frogger. What the fuck is "hardcore" anyway? Difficult? Fuck that shit, that's never why I played games, I'm not a sadist. Causal games can be hard too, like Rock Band on expert (or Spyro, unless your Ruth), so what does it matter?

And you know what? Fuck everyone, quicktime events are awesome.

And yes, I realize that what spawned the comic was some new show about "gamers". Fucking get over it, G4 has been on television since I was in jr. fucking high. There is always going to be shit like that, that doesn't mean the industry is in some kind of downturn.

What gets me more that anything about VG Cats though is the fucking fans. It's nowhere near the size of Penny Arcade, sure, but they are so ravenous and stupid it is like dealing with a brick wall. They refuse to acknowledge that their favorite comic is bland and unoriginal, and worst of all they can't see what a raging asshole Scott is. He misses his own pathetic update structure, and then bitches at the people who complain when he puts up a shitty comic. "This is my canvas" or "I'm giving you free entertainment" are common phrases in the webcomic artist's toolbag, but listen: Fuck you. We are the ones providing you with your fucking income from website hits. We are the reason you can afford to be such a lazy piece of shit. We pay your salary mother fucker, we buy your shirts, now make us some decent fucking comics or shut up.

The Good Stuff

I have been in extremely high spirits as of recently! This isn't exactly uncommon because I'm not a terribly sad guy but most of the time I am a mix of content awkwardness and existential malaise. That sounds a little worse than it is. Recently though, like over the last week or so I've been feeling great, and decided to make a list of shit.

• Weather. Colorado is fucking crazy! I love snow, I really do, which is one reason I don't ever want to leave Colorado, but I also love sunshine. This past week has had both, sometimes in the same day!
• I have been watching Lost with Ruth and oh my, yes. Lost. Wow. (Coincidentally, I don't know what Ruth may have told you at my ability to play Playstation 1 games but it is naught but lies and slander)
  
• My birthday approaches, on which I will be 20, which is weird, but I will not only be drunk when the clock strikes 12, I will also be dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and hanging with (nearly all of) my best friends.
• I have a new project in my sculpture class that is going to kick serious ass.
• The cute gal with dreadlocks who draws all the time that usually sits in front of me in Art History kind of talked to me, that sure was nice.
• I am either going to Bonaroo or on a road trip over the summer (or maybe both I dunno) so that is awesome.
  

The final point is Tea Time! As I mentioned in my little blog post, I wanted to try something new because markers suck, and for whatever reason I really like hatching with a pencil. It's pacifying I guess. So I found a happy medium which is shading with a ball point pen. I think it works really well, and coincidentally when I was ready to start this new style, some kind of fear I had about drawing that I was unaware I had left me, and I just kind of did it.

It was very liberating! We also got a shit load of hits and positive feedback from people about the new shit and that was very encouraging. I've had a drive to draw recently that I don't remember having for... I dunno, way too long. My good buddy Mecha also shipped all of his books out here, cartooning books and anatomy books and the like, so I am really excited to steal them.

Today I finished the comic, finished a T-Shirt design, and also showed Mikey the design I had for a new Crow shirt, and they're going to use it! I am more than stoked! There will be pictures, worry not.

I feel like I did a lot today.

Life is good ladies and gentlemen!

MIX TAPE: The Trilogy, A Snowy Day Story

I awoke to find several inches of snow flurrying around the backyard, and not moments after I get out of bed, Parker texts me that Front Range is closing at 11:30, the exact time of my math class. After dancing, my mom texts me that CSU is also closed, which means I have the day off. I made a fire in the wood burning stove and have been taking in the sweet smoky smell that's filled the house, had some tea, watched the blizzard, and then sat down to do some real work.

My good friend Mecha is back in town (permanently now, for school, which is totally fucking rad) and while we were in the car, he asked if I could make him a CD of my favorite songs because the music I listen to is so awesome. I told him I would make him three.


Thus, MIX TAPE: The Trilogy, A play in 3 Acts was born. 47 ball explodingly good songs on 3 CDs, including Episode I, The Freshness (big openers and iressistable hits), Volume II, Life is a Series of Down Notes (where we dim the lights a bit), and Chapter III, Return of the Jedi (the triumphant return of happiness). Each CD has a little boooklet/peice of paper that dictates what the tracks are.


I never made a mix tape before, at least for another person, and this was way more fun than it should have been (I think owing a lot to the fact that this whole excercise pretty much was just ego stroking and justification for my recent feindishness in music), but none the less it has seriously inspired me. People should do shit like this more often. If I could mass produce these easier I would give them to all my friends and make them all the time. Also if I had this much fun then graphic design should be a cake walk.


(Special thanks to Ethan, who if you look at the set list up there, is responsible for like 70% of what's on there. I think I'll write that on the back of the case now actually)

MadWorld

When the Wii came out, I camped out for some 18 hours outside of Circuit City in freezing weather in order to obtain one on launch day, with Twilight Princess. It was worth it for a time, certainly, the Wii was a sound investment. Miis and Wii sports were greatly appreciated around these parts. After coming to terms with the fact that Twilight Princess wasn't anywhere near as good as Wind Waker however, and until Super Mario Galaxy, it collected dust (unless I wanted to play Gamecube games). Galaxy was great, and so was Brawl but the later can barely be called a Wii game, and the former came out like a year and a half ago. To the point, when I heard about Madworld I was very excited. When I was camping out on launch day I thought mainly of the Wii's potential for extreme gratification in violence. Snapping peoples necks and such by pantomiming the fucked up acts in the real world.

Madworld is the fulfillment of these prophecies.

Firstly, Madworld joins a growing number of games that are basically perfect, graphically. It wanted to look like Sin City with a dose of Japan and it does, pretty flawlessly. I'm tempted to call it the best looking game on the Wii because it set its bar and achieved it almost to perfection. I was worried that in the black and white world it may be really hard to see what the fuck is going on but it is surprisingly coherent, more so than a lot of games I can think of that use color, actually. It's also just stylized enough that the intense violence is still awesome and visceral but still comic enough that you don't feel like a terrible person.

The story is that you, as Jack (voiced by Steven "Spike Speigel" Blum) are on a gameshow that takes place in an entire city. If you kill someone in more and more extraordinary/violent ways, you get more points. That's about it. Also: You have a chainsaw arm.

God of War has some great violent cutscenes and quick time events (essentially in game cutscenes that prompt timed button presses) that really get you into the ultraviolence, but when you play Madworld there is some other force at work. For example, when you use the daggers (there are multiple weapons, each with their own combos and finishers), one of the finishing moves is straddling a man on the ground, and stabbing his chest over and over and over and over and over and over in rapid succession, and in order to do this you pantomime the act with the Wiimote and nunchuck. The first time I did this I actually started screaming/laughing uncontrollably and had to pause. It's kind of hard to believe. There are a ton of finishers in this game, all unbelievably violent (you can remove a man's spine with a chainsaw and hit him with it)


Madworld's stages are pretty much a series of sandboxes that you get to do whatever you want in, and in traditional Sega arcade style, all of them are replayable at any time. It's not terribly long (I'm at about 2.5 hours through and I think I'm like half way) but the sheer variety in killing different people with different things throughout the different stages makes for a very replayable game. I don't think I can ever get tired of how awesome the finishers are for some of the bosses either. You basically accrue points until you unlock the minigame (which can be anything from tossing people onto train tracks to hitting them onto a giant dart board), unlock weapons, and then finally the boss of the stage.

Here's some fucked up shit I've done to people in this game:
1. Thrown a man in a flamming oil barrel, impaled him with not 1, not 2, but 3 sign posts, then slammed him repeatedly onto a meat hook on the wall.
2. Ground a man to paste on a passing subway
3. Shoved fireworks down someone's throat and watched him explode, killing 2 of his friends.
4. Stabbed a wok through a ninja's eye, then tossed him into a deep fryer.

This list could go on for much longer.

The controls are a little unresponsive, and as ridiculously gratifying as the quick time events are, when they don't work it can be really frustrating. This has been rare however. The bike levels are also kind of shallow but over all, if you have a Wii, this is a sound, sound purchase. I have like 4 Wii games now, and I am getting comfortable with the idea that this was the title I was camping out for.

Jon Will Give You Cancer and Can Turn Into a Car

Ok so I wasn't going to make a blog post until MadWorld was out and I could review it proper but Goddamnit, I can't stop watching this video and I have to share it with the world. It's a flash animation of what Watchmen would be like if it were a Saturday morning cartoon in the 80's, and it is so well done that everytime I watch it it gets better.

I saw Watchemn in costume at the IMAX in Denver and it kicked ass. I was actually really impressed but I do certainly have my grievances, but they are mostly minor ones. I saw it again with my dad, and the intro and the part with Dr. Manhattan on Mars only got better. I love those scenes, well done Snyder. Well done everybody. I think the biggest thing I can knock against the movie was Niteowl, and while the actor was dead fucking on and I love him for it, Niteowl is my favorite character and they fucked a couple things up. The first being his suit. I know the old one is pretty dated you guys but Niteowl isn't supposed to look that cool, he is supposed to look competent and adorable in his old age. He doesn't even really have a paunch in the movie! That is the best part. Also the part at the end where he smacks Veidt around is just stupid, and probably the biggest thing I didn't like.

Niteowl is my favorite character, hands down, and I love him so much I actually thing I'm going to make a little statue of him out of Sculpey. Which I will post here of course. Dunno when that'll be. Also I am doing stone carving in my 3D design class and I've grown quite attached to my rock, so expect full details and pictures in a couple weeks.

In other news, Mike Doughty has a blog and that makes me happy.

Stay posted for the Madworld review and also other things.

Noby Noby Boy

Katamari Damacy was the greatest $20 I've ever spent on a video game. It is completely deserving of its praise and the little niche its carved for itself in the gaming community. When the sequel came about, the creator didn't want to make any more games, but was forced, and We Love Katamari (despite being a really excellent sequel) was built on spite. When asked about Noby Noby Boy, he said he "didn't really know why he made it", which was a little concerning. I was worried they were going to force him to make something again and that it would be even more spiteful. I was very wrong.



Noby Noby Boy is the best $5 I've ever spent on a video game. It absolutely has the same spirit as Katamari, and while Katamari is more of a game than it is art, Noby Noby Boy is more art than it is a game.

There are no objectives in Noby Noby Boy, there's nothing to stop you from stretching any length you want, and there's no heads up display at all. You play as Boy (there is also Girl, Sun, and Fairy as supporting cast). One analog stick controls the front section of the body, and one the back. The shoulder buttons control camera and allow you to jump (and eat and poop, repectivley). You can eat objects of certain size, and in order to eat and store more you have to stretch (which you do by pulling both ends away from each other), otherwise you fire objects out of your back end like a cannon. So while that's really all you do, whatever you want, if you go into the menu you can "report length" of your Boy, which is then added to Girl, who sits on top of the earth. At the moment, Girl is trying to reach the Moon, and since the game is online, people all over the world contribute, and Girl gets longer, pretty much like a communal Katamari. When Girl reaches the Moon, we get a new stage, as well as all the rest of the planets in the solar system.

That's about all there is to it. You pretty much just do whatever the hell you want. (As of writing this, Girl reached the moon, and indeed, the moon stages are populated with different kinds of weird shit)


Noby Noby Boy's graphics are excellent, everything looks either perfectly square or perfectly round, and on an HD set, it's sharp enough to cut tomatoes. It's not quite physics based in the same way as Little Big Planet, but Boy's rope like animations are ridiculously convincing. watching food travel through his brightly colored segments is one of the most hypnotic things I've ever found in a video game. The sound design is equally pacifying, with weird baritones and bass to accompany both stretching and eating, as well as a gentle acoustic guitar soundtrack, put you in a real Zen state. This is easily one of the most beautiful games ever made, and up there with Wind Waker, Team Fortress 2, and Okami.

So bottom line is, it's totally unprecedented. This game has never been seen before. And it's great. I've thrown it on a bunch already even though I've only had it for 5 days. I'm as engaged by it as any other video game, and oh yeah, it's five fucking dollars. It's really hard to find fault in a game that costs $5. The controls aren't perfect, but honestly Katamari's are kind of awkward at times too. The biggest problem is the camera, which relies on the six axis too much and can be tough to wrestle into position.

This would be the part where I tell you to go buy it but that's actually kind of hard. It's exclusive to the PS3 for now, (and a bargain title on the PS3 is pretty ironic), which effectively keeps it out of the hands of millions of people. True, the graphics might not look as good if it were on the Wii, but it would be identical on the 360, and I doubt that Microsoft would care enough to fight for the right to make it available. Which is really a shame, because this is one of those games the whole world should play. If you know someone with a PS3, please check it out, I emplore you. I'm guessing if you're reading this that person is probably me, so you're welcome anytime to play it at my house.

The last game I played like this was fl0w, which is actually less of a game than Noby Noby Boy (and I think more expensive) and was also on the PS3. fl0w was pretty cool, but Noby Noby Boy is much more. It should be at the Guggenheim. There's something about playing it that's like being patted on the head by God.

It's a poem, a little playable poem.

The Builders and The Butchers

Parker took me to the Murder by Death concert at the Bluebird in Denver today (yesterday?) and it was really fantastic. The first band, Fake Problems, was ok and seemed like pretty cool guys (and also had a shirt for sale with a polar bear on it... like ours, but not as good), but the second band, The Builders and the Butchers, was amazing. If you like Rock Plaza Central, which you should, you will love these guys. They had a singer with an acoustic guitar, two drummers that traded off and did other things like mandolin, an acoustic bass player (with an excellent, excellent mustache) and a mandolin/ banjo player who looked enough like Brian Posehn to make me very happy (I GOT TO SHAKE HIS HAND AND TELL HIM HOW AWESOME HE WAS AFTER THE SHOW). My favorites so far are Bottom of the Well and Coal Mine Fall. Give them a listen.

Needless to say, Murder by Death was extremely good, despite Denver's weird aversion to...showing any emotion at all towards music really. One of the best Valentine's Days in recent memory, which is good because it's usually miserable. I also played D&D for about 7 and a half hours today (which reminds me: Murder by Death mentioned a drinking game called Wizard's Death. You keep drinking beers until you have enough cans to stack up and make a staff, the lead singer informed us that he's a level 21 Wizard) which was also incredible cool.

Happy fake holidays people! I certainly hope you were not miserable, but if you were, listen to some Builders and the Butchers and cheer up, or revel in Murder by Death's incredible stark look at American life. Or drink.

You hold the keys to your future!